24 REASONS YOUR DOCTOR IS AN ASSHOLE

These are a few reasons your doctor, or any doctor, might be an asshole or at least a little weird or antisocial.  They are not excuses or justifications.  (This was originally written in answer to a clerk asking the legitimate question of why doctors tend to be assholes where he works but it’s also a realistic list for people contemplating going into medicine or a look into the other side of the whitecoat.)

1.  Spending ten years in spirit-crushing training rather than hanging out with friends, having meaningful relationships, or just fun in general.

2.  Sleep deprivation starting in residency and continuing for the rest of your life sometimes.

3.  Verbally abusive physician instructors and senior residents can perpetuate the cycle of dysfunction.

4.  Walking around with a big bull’s-eye saying "Deep Pockets, Sue Me" on your back.

5.  Dealing with the sickest people this side of the living and knowing you can't do a damn thing to help them.

6.  Growing fond of the people above and watching them slowly die despite all you can do.

7.  Dealing with angry family members of the sickest people above.

8.  Dealing with threats of malpractice from the angry people above.

9.  Dealing with threats of malpractice from things you really have no control over. 

10.  Dealing with patients who are young lawyers, physicians, veterinarians, nurses, "internet research gurus," who frequently like to play the one-upmanship game with you because of their own inferiority/superiority complex.

11.  Some physicians really do grow up thinking they are better and smarter than everyone else too (and hence are assholes).

12.  Dealing with people who don't "believe" in modern medicine, prefer "all natural" methods, believe you are part of The Conspiracy, trying to rip them off, use them as guinea pigs, etc, who find it unfathomable that the pot that they've been smoking all day since they were 15 has contributed to them getting bronchitis, pneumonia or a lung abscess or that the herbal "Liver Guard" they've been taking has actually given them drug-induced hepatitis.  (True story.) 

13.  Constant pages day and night, 80% of which are completely unnecessary and yet....

14.  Having to compete with people's television ideas of doctors, ranging from Marcus Welby to Gross Anatomy to House, although if you really had a doc from House talking to you in his tone, you wouldn't like him much at all.  Being nice actually counts more than being good in the majority of patients' eyes.  

15.  Having to struggle with insurance companies and their business-minded restrictions on what you can or can’t give your patient.

16.  Being rated (positively) or berated (negatively) on how quickly you send patients home from the hospital. 

17.  Not seeing as much of your spouse and children as you'd like, and for some, losing their affections because of it. 

18.  Telling nice (and sometimes far too young) people that they have widespread cancer in several organs. 

19.  And then having to deal with some manipulative, lying, narcotic-seeker who pulls you into their well-rehearsed psychodrama making you feel incompetent and uncaring because you won't give them Dilaudid doses every hour that would kill an elephant (while having every scan and test known to man come back normal on the same patient).

20.  And then seeing a similar story about a doctor who is accused of fostering this narcotic dependency in some 'innocent' patient and being a bad doctor/chased by Fox2 News cameras.  Of course there's "no comment."  This kind of rant doesn't fit in a sound bite at 11.

21.  Trying not to be reminded of the above patient when you see someone with a legitimate need for pain relief.

22.  Seeing people at their worst due to pain, fear, frustration, creeping mortality, or mental illness, every single hour.

23.  Being reminded firsthand and on a daily basis that life really, really isn't fair at all. Yet, some people really do deal with it gracefully and nobly in ways we would never want to be tested.

24.  Sometimes thinking yeah, you might have been happier being a comic book artist, but subjecting your family now to such a drastic lifestyle change would be selfish.  At least you can provide some financial assistance to your mother as well as having a decent retirement account, which is no small feat these days.  Besides a lot of your patients really like how you listen to them and answer their questions – sometimes I think this is the real healing part of medicine.  Who knows, maybe you could get some peace and quiet working in the morgue someday if you get too burned out.  (Although being a 50-year old intern in a pathology residency doesn’t sound appealing.)

So yes, some of us do not want to waste time fraternizing or flirting with the other employees/nurses/clerks/techs but would rather see our patients, try to make them better or offer a truly sympathetic ear, or accepting smile, or answers to the great unknowns, and get home to our families again.

Thank you for your time.

That is all.