MAN SOLO
Even though I've been enjoying actually being at work this past month, there's a down side. I am away from my family.
We haven't been able to sell the house yet, so I've been staying with Amy's parents in Ann Arbor (about an hour from where we live). I'm usually only away from them for five to seven days at a time but it's the longest we've been apart.
"Only for a week or two at a time. It's not so bad," I said to Dr. Blue after explaining that I was living away from Amy while I was at work.
That was both a reflex and a lie. I guess I didn't want to dwell on it more than I've already been doing. I keep myself busy during the nights. Eating at the old University Cafe that Amy's parents used to own. Where I met her, in fact. Checking in on the local comic book store, sometimes twice a week. Sitting in the coffee shop making rough sketches in the corner. Vacuous wandering in the local arcade. It's a lot like my lonesome college days.
In a way, I enjoy being alone. It's my armor and my wings. You get used to it. You use it to build your walls and forcefields. It's fertile landscape for imaginary machinations and phantasmal personas.
But it's a desert that makes the soul feel hungry. It's no wonder I'd want to give up this fortress of dead air and mirage for someone like Amy, who brought life to my desert. How my arms miss my rascally Sun Su's rare hugs. Or hearing baby Ooseung's pleas to be picked up again.
Yeah, having children changes you alright. Tragic stories about kids in the news hit me like a haymaker to the gut now. They didn't used to bother me as much. I didn't really have a frame of reference or the maternal conscience that some do.
When the elderly 70-year old mother says she's going to stay with her 45-year old son, the ne'er-do-well with the unfortunate cancer, I see it now. She's still a young mom taking care of her baby boy. This is her Sun Su.
It all keeps getting a little closer to home these days. Those are the times when you want to spring the walls back up and force-will the world to just back the fuck off.
Or it just makes you want to be home again.
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ODD REVELATIONS
ME: "It's going to be cool living near (university) campus again. We could take classes."
AMY: "Like what?"
ME: "Maybe I'd sit in some real Corean language classes, but I probably couldn't make it to all of them."
AMY: "You could be an observer."
ME: "Or, this sounds silly, but I want to learn how to wrestle. I was looking around for class brochures. I mean, there's no way I'd ever really --"
AMY: "I'd want to play field hockey."
ME: "You what? ... Yeah, cool. You should do that."
Ahpah's (dad) coming home this weekend, baby girl.
.