LOST IN TRANSIT
Yesterday Sun Su (almost two years old) hit little Ooseung (two months old) in the head with a plastic ball and made her cry. Afterwards Sun Su didn't want to play with the ball anymore.
Today, Sun Su tried changing his little sister's diaper. Twice.
When I started working at Empire Hospital, I wondered if I'd be there as long as Dr. Goldenage has. With each morale crushing year, this thought has depressed me more and more.
Now I am in my last two weeks at The Empire, and being a doctor might be something I can look forward to being again. Elsewhere.
I thought we'd live in this house, our first house, for many years to come.
Now, it seems like every day another group of potential buyers is walking through it as we try to sell it.
Last week, my free-spirited brother was looking no further than the next indie band concert that month (he's on the left in the pic above).
This week, he met a girl who's made him think of other things all of a sudden. Like buying a house.
I used to think a joke like the one below was funny because it was ridiculous.
"Why is marriage like a castle under siege? Because people on the outside are trying to get in. And people on the inside want to get the hell out."
Now, I don't think it is quite so ridiculous. (Joke courtesy of a married friend.)
I used to think being married was easy, even fun.
But lately,
It's not so much.
I really liked the movie Lost In Translation. I didn't like the stereotypical gags in it (making fun of R-to-L changes is about as funny as Mickey Rooney with fake buck teeth in Breakfast at Tiffany's) but the rest of the movie held sweet resonance, both as a stranger in a strange land and a married man feeling somewhat estranged.
BOB: It gets a whole lot more complicated when you have kids.
CHARLOTTE: It's scary.
BOB: The most terrifying day of your life is the day the first one is born.
CHARLOTTE: Nobody ever tells you that.
BOB: Your life, as you know it... is gone. Never to return. But they learn how to walk, and they learn how to talk... and you want to be with them. And they turn out to be the most delightful people you will ever meet in your life.
CHARLOTTE: That's nice.
The most insightful thoughts in that exchange for me were the choice of the words: "terrifying" and "delightful."
Everyone tells you your life is going to change, but no one tells you it's "the most terrifying day of your life." It's terrifying in the sense that it changes you and your partner. It's not just about having fun together anymore. It's not easy to be in love when no one's having any fun. Whether the fun part is there or not, you have to have a net of responsibility underlying it. Your partner can't always catch you when you fall.
The part about your children being "the most delightful people you will ever meet in your life" has been the biggest surprise for me, but cliche' or not--It. Is. So. True. It's hard to imagine until you are there. Cute nieces and nephews aren't the same. It's a love that is easy and irresistible and it feels nothing like responsibility, even though that's what it ensures. It's Nature's trick to have you fulfill its biological imperative by making you enjoy it. It's a lot like falling in love.
BOB: The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you.
I'm beginning to understand this too. The question is: Is it wisdom or just apathy? Maybe it's the estrogen*.
* (A study back in 2001 showed that new fathers show a decrease in testosterone and cortisol, with an increase in estrogen compared to pre-fatherhood. Changes in Testosterone, Cortisol, and Estradiol Levels in Men Becoming Fathers. Mayo Clinic Proceedings, 2001;76:582-592).
I liked Bob in the movie (when he isn't making fun of non-English speakers in a non-English country). I just don't want to become him. I've just been feeling numb lately about "us" not that I've given Amy a reason to feel any differently than I do lately.
I suppose our love for our children will bring us even closer eventually, but everything is in transit right now. I hope I don't lose anything I might miss when we arrive at our destination. Together.
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MY SWEET REVENGE
"He's so cute, but he's so mean," said by our niece about Sun Su.
That made me laugh. If I'd known, I would have named him Revenge. Just kidding, I'd never name a boy that.
It would be a better name for a girl.
_______________________________________Neat thing I learned today: "Insure" and "ensure" are synonymns. Like "flammable" and "inflammable."
EDUCATIONAL TOO
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OKAY, WHO FORGOT TO ENABLE_GOD_MODE AGAIN?
I got a few surprise emails when this article popped up last week. It states that surgeons who play video games make less mistakes with laporoscopic surgery.
The gastroenterologists I trained with as a resident told me a similar thing. One of the first things they asked me when I was doing my first few colonoscopies was, "Do you play a lot of video games?"
"Well, not in the past four hours, but I could bring my game console in tomorrow."
They said that the younger residents who played video games a lot learned how to control the endoscopies much quicker than non-gamers. (I wrote about this once back in the older journal, but I don't remember where.)
Things that stood out in the article for me were how the person who studied this was a 49-year old surgeon. Forty-nine. Cool. And his nickname is "Butch" which is better than having a surgeon nicknamed "Butcher" I guess.
The article mentions how they are developing a practice game to "warm up" surgeons before surgery. They're calling it Top Gun (ugh). I guess that explains the surgeon's nickname.
I hear the ortho surgeons already do this unofficially in their call room, for work purposes of course. And you thought the nail gun was just a weapon in Quake. (I did mean nail gun, not rail gun. The rail gun didn't make its debut until Quake II.)
When I was in medical school, I remember during one Surgical Grand Rounds, they did a study comparing surgeons' manual dexterity to other types of physicians (for instance, I am an internal medicine physician). Much to the surgeons' chagrine, there was absolutely no difference.
Which means, tying knots and delicately ligating vessels in the O.R. will still get you pwn3d ("owned" for the non-l33t, or non-elite) in the fighting game of your choice by me. But I am welcoming challenges. (The orthopods could probably whip me in Halo or Socom II though. I am a snob when it comes to shooter games - mouse and keyboard only or forget it.)
Thanks to Glenda, Tammy, Michelle, Marc, and Charles for the story.
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HAPPY EASTER
My lil baby girl, Ooseung, got baptized today. I'll try to write about it if I feel like it.
The Holy Water didn't burn her. I guess Evil isn't hereditary.
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