My Last Birth Entry Ever. Or at least the last one I use vague Mortal Kombat references in.

CHAGEUN GONGJU

(The Little Princess)

Just like a little princess, she made us wait.

On the Sunday night that our little princess was due (February 1^st), we had tried everything to get her delivered. We walked my Amy around the largest mall in Michigan. Amy played Dance Dance Revolution in my room. That night, we tested the “semen induces labor” method. The “nipple stimulation induces labor” method. Even the “orgasm induces labor” method. Several times, more due to Amy’s expertise and modern technology than anything having to do with me.

But no baby.

The next morning, it was time to go to work. I thought.

“What are you doing here today? You have the next two weeks off,” the Kommandant informed me.

“Really? I requested that my vacation start once Amy delivered. But I’ll be happy to go home,” I said, very happy about going home.

“Well since you are here anyways …” the Kommandant started fitting me in.

“No really, going home sounds great. I’ll be on my w—“

“I could have you see these patients–“

“That’s quite alright see you in two weeks.”

“Why don’t you see these patients since Dr. Noshow couldn’t make it today? We won’t count today as your vacation then,” he offered in a manner I couldn’t refuse.

It was a short list of patients to see, so I got out pretty early.

Still waiting for that baby....

PRESS PLAY TO CONTINUE

4:30 P.M., February 2nd

Happiness. Home early. Two weeks off. I figured I had a few days to relax before baby got here. And I was excited to install my new game – Unreal Tournament 2003. Yeah, it’s old but I have never played it before. Plus it was just twenty bucks. Double happiness.

[Installing … 30%.]

Amy, still in her pajamas, walked into my room,

“I think I just broke my water.”

“…”

I had heard that only about 10% of pregnant women actually “break their water” or rupture the amniotic membranes outside of a hospital. You just see it all the time on TV because it’s more dramatic that way.

[Installing … 60%.]

“It felt like a warm gush,” she said rubbing her belly.

“…”

[Installing … 80%.]

“I’m going upstairs to change. Then let’s go to the hospital,” Amy said and went upstairs.

[Installation complete. Press Play to continue.]

“… Shit.”

In the car, Amy’s contractions suddenly became much more painful.

“Agh… that one was bad,” she said while I drove.

I stopped the CD. This was no time for the Dixie Chicks. At least, not for me.

Amy's is either in a lot of pain here, or she is very annoyed at me taking her picture. Or maybe both, actually.

THE PIT STAGE

At the hospital, the desk clerk casually informed us,

“It’s been a very busy day for labor and delivery today.”

“What does that mean?” Amy asked, groaning in pain.

“Probably means we have to get in line,” I answered.

Thank you massively successful and profitable Empire Hospital corporate marketing campaign.

“We’ll show you to the waiting room.”

Two other pregnant couples were in the cramped little waiting room watching TV. They looked way too comfortable to be in a hospital. Amy looked like she was in way too much pain to be in a waiting room.

“Arrgghhh… I have to go to outside,” Amy grimaced, too uncomfortable to sit down.

One of them actually giggled as Amy left, which pissed me off. Why, if you weren’t pregnant, … and a woman, … and wearing glasses, … and if I was a little bigger, … and not wearing my glasses, I’d ….

Just like with Sun Su’s birth, one of the nurses happened to recognize the degree of Amy’s distress and rushed her to a room.

Things that the Empire does not want you to see!!!

SCORPION

6:30 P.M.

“Five centimeters dilated, still no change,” the obstetrician said.

An anesthesiologist came to put the epidural in.

Placing an epidural is a lot like a spinal tap (lumbar puncture). You draw a line from one hip (iliac crest) to another. Feel for the depression between vertebrae and pop that needle in there. Literally. Sometimes it actually makes a popping sound as you go through the ligamentous thingy*. Then you throw the I.V.-like catheter in there and infuse your panacea or poison of choice.

*As a medical student, I used to know the name of that ligament you “pop” through, but I couldn’t really do the procedure. As an attending, I can do the procedure but I have forgotten the name of the ligament.

During the lumbar puncture, Amy was sitting up with her head buried in her nurse’s breasts. Afterwards, Amy said to her,

“You really have to get close to your patients in your job.”

Another assistant who had been through a similar instance with a particularly well-endowed nurse remarked that,

“They were like pillows. Now I know why men love breasts.”

[Three obscene sex jokes were edited from this spot for posterity.]

Sleeping like a ... pregnant woman after an epidural about to have a baby.

MIRROR MATCH

After the epidural took the pain away, Amy slept. I waited. Things were good. I went to the cafeteria to grab a snack. Met a former patient’s appreciative family who recognized me in the hall. I rarely recognize patients when they are upright and in normal clothes.

Ten years ago, I would never have recognized myself now. Married to a smart gorgeous wife. A father of two. Former patients greeting me. A doctor looking for a new job.

I would have recognized some parts though. The guy playing video games a bit too obsessively. An introvert sitting at one-seated cafeteria tables by choice. The ability to never really feel like I belong anywhere.

But me and kids, two kids even? Not unless I am beating them down in a tag team Mortal Kombat tournament. Fatality included.

BABALITY

8:00 P.M.

“I think I just had a bowel movement,” Amy said to the nurse.

“You didn’t, but I’ll call the doctor anyways,” the nurse checked.

“Baby’s here. Right here. Let’s call the attending before this baby comes out by itself,” the obstetric resident remarked with one hand down under.

“Yep. She’s ready,” the OB attending said.

“Sweet,” I said as the satellite dish super megawatt light thing came out of the ceiling like something from a classic James Bond movie.

“Is this thing working?” the OB attending said as the secret Goldfinger satellite laser dish thing didn’t light up.

"Push."

"Pu-u-ush."

Five minutes later, the sweet little princess popped out of mommy’s pod and was crying. It was easy, even Amy thought so. The doc didn’t even have to slap her bottom. The baby's bottom, that is.

What can I say that isn’t another birth story cliché? It was exhilarating to see and hear her after these nine months. The beginning of something wonderful that I can only partially comprehend since Sun Su was born. Sweet tiny miracle. Daddy’s little princess. But mommy’s first.

We think she has Amy’s eyes. And she definitely has my lip and overbite.

On Monday, February 2^nd, 2004, at 8:24 P.M., our beautiful daughter was born at 20 inches, and 6 pounds 9 ounces. Her name is:

Ooseung is probably a couple of days old here.

Ooseung Lee Li1es.

“Oo seung” means “Victory” in Corean.

We waited forty weeks and a day for her. Now the real waiting begins.

Waiting for her to laugh and smile when she sees “appah” (daddy).

Waiting for her to irresistibly lift her arms up for me to hold her.

Waiting for her to realize that she can always run back to daddy and be safe.

Waiting for that moment when she thinks I am the greatest hero there ever was.

Waiting for her to tell me about her day at school.

Waiting for all the undeserving conniving boys that daddy… Will. Not. Like.

Waiting for her to rebel in some way that breaks her daddy’s heart.

Waiting for her to move out of the house and give us some peace.

Waiting for her to start her own life and make us wish she’d stop by more often.

Waiting for myself to realize I should have spent more time with the most delightful people I’ll ever know (my kids).

Waiting for her to visit me in the hospital someday.

Waiting for the moment to tell her she’s the greatest hero there ever was.

Waiting for the words that will say how much I have loved her since her first tiny breath in this world.

And maybe, if her daddy isn’t such an atheist someday, I’ll be waiting for her someplace else. Or maybe I’ll just realize that seeing her laugh and smile and say “appah” was my heaven all along.

My baby's future is so bright, she's gotta wear shades. Actually her bilirubin was so high that she had to tan under the UV light for day.

FINISH HER

“Do you want to cut the cord daddy?”

“No, that’s okay,” I said.

“Here, go ahead.”

“I, uh … no, you can do it.”

“Go ahead and cut it,” Amy said.

“Okay, okay…,” I snipped as the blood spurted all over the obstetrician despite the clamps on the umbilical cord.

Yeah, that’s my girl.

Flawless Victory.

My lil tiger scratched her face up the first day.

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By the way, if you are on my NOTIFY list below and did not get the email about Ooseung's delivery, let me know.

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