Sunday, June 22, 2003.
Latest Corean Movies I saw: Sex Is Zero (sexcellent and hilarious).
The Way Home (sweet and wonderful - love your granny).Latest K-pop: Koyote No.5. Boa's latest. My favorite is my
Baby VOX "lingerie" photo album though.
ELEMENTAL HEARTS
I was going to write the third part of my Stripclub Trilogy - yes, there was supposed to be a third part. (I only wrote about the first of three nights, mind you.)
I would have talked about the Baroness, a French-Quebec dancer with icy slick black hair and dark-framed glasses (trust me, it was a nice effect).
I was looking forward to talking about my "all time favorite" dancer, Jade, on our third night back in Detroit. She was lovely, funny, and great company. "Jade" was her actual stage name; she was African-American, not Asian.
"Not my fault her ass look like two babies fightin' under a blanket," she had whispered about a jealous nemesis glaring at her across the stage.
I would have wrapped things up in continuity with the Wizard of Oz references I had laid in the past two entries.
Broken Fist as the Lion would have demonstrated his courage through his restraint.
Kevin as the Scarecrow would still continue his quest of finding himself.
My brother (and his dog) would have realized his true home was the one he left long ago - he just had to use his magic shoes to get back here.
And I as the Tin Man would have found my heart right where I had left it - with my sweet sleeping Amy of course.
I probably would have finished things with something self-admittedly corny and derivative like,
"There's no place like home.
"Come on, you knew it had to end this way."
But as real as all of it was, it was still just a sweet-scented nude fantasy at $20 per song.
Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions
Back to brutal naked reality and other choice argumentative marriage quotes from the other night.
"I'm not happy."
"Well, I haven't been happy either."
"I asked you if you were hungry because I was hungry. You said you were going to pick up some carry out food today. You don't even care about me," she said.
"Is this about food? I said I'd get whatever you wanted - you just had to tell me what you wanted."
"You only think about yourself. You never ask me if I'm hungry. You weren't even happy when I was pregnant with Sun Su."
"What? What?!"
…"You can't kiss me or hug me for more than 3 seconds because you are too busy? For the past three years? Am I repulsive? Does my mouth taste bad or something? Is it the skin tags you tell me to get removed from my neck? … Lazy. Disgusting. Forgetful. Useless. Inconsiderate. Stupid. That's how I see you seeing me."
"I don't care about any skin tags!" she answered precisely.
…"I am always asking you what are you thinking. What are your dreams. What do you feel about this or that. Trying to know some intimate thing about you that no one else knows. Fine, you're not a physically affectionate person. But maybe I can know you intimately intellectually at least, or emotionally. People have to be one or the other. But with you I get neither."
…
"Am I supposed to live the rest of my life feeling like this - here - alone?"
"This … isn't … working."
No one ever said it would be this hard
Earlier that day, even before the raining tears and frustrated eruptions, things were still bad. I figured Amy wanted to be alone, as did I, so I took Sun Su outside with me. He's been walking for the past couple weeks, by the way.
I took him into our backyard. I lifted my son to touch the leaves briefly, while shielding him from the cold breeze.
I thought about how my mom and dad got divorced. And wondered how my dad could stand to just see his two sons once a week or less.
I understood how two parents who were once in love could become distant from each other and fight bitterly over custody of the children. Custody, one of those ugly adult words. Like adultery, or divorce, or alimony. Words that I thank goodness everyday remain abstract concepts with no bearing on my own adult life.
It's not the fact that your children are your offspring, your genetic legacy. That's just the explanation for the overpowering effect your own child has on you. The actual feeling is so much more real than any Darwinian theory could try to account for. It's like the difference between enjoying a hot fudge sundae and seeing the chemical stick figures and formulas of ice cream on paper. Children make you love them in such a pure way that no other relationship can compete with.
What if your mom has fallen out of love with me, Sun Su?
It's a realistic possibility that I would intuit this about her before she did. I'd still be comfortable and familiar, the father of her children even, but … there's a difference.
Sun Su was quiet in my arms. Maybe he could sense my lonely thoughts. Maybe the sunny day with the cold breeze confused him. I set him down and took a few steps onto the grass in the middle of the backyard and called for him.
He just stood there, like something was different. One hand gripping onto the house siding, with his big eyes reading me and his little mouth silent. He wasn't going to come to me - he wanted me to come to him. It was as if taking his hand off of the house would mean letting go of something more. Lost amidst the grassy earth and the cool winds. He wasn't making a choice for himself; he was choosing for all of us.
Whatever. He was probably just afraid to walk on the uneven ground.
I picked him up with a triumphant whoosh and he settled happily between my arm and my heart again. We went back inside.
Pulling your puzzles apartMaybe I was wrong about love and affection being expressed either physically or intellectually. Maybe it's more diverse, like the four elements.
Maybe for Amy, it's not some insubstantial invisible thing you contemplate like the air molecules around you. It's not the fires of passion and desire. It's not something you become submerged in and cast away with by the oceans' tides. To her, love is practical and concrete, like providing food and stability, like fruit from a tree, like the earth.
To me, it's a mixture of air and fire. The intellectual connection and the physical desire.
Can two vastly different elemental hearts compromise and still be satisfied?
You don’t know how lovely you are.
The next morning.
ME (on cellphone): "Hey, it's me."
AMY: "Where are you?"
ME: "I'm at the mall. I guess they don't open for another twenty minutes or so. Do you want me to get you something to eat?"
AMY: "No. I'm making eggs and rice. Why are you at the mall?"
ME: "I wanted to pick up this album."
AMY: "Don't eat there. I'll have breakfast ready when you get back."
ME: "Okay."
I bought that Coldplay album, A Rush of Blood to the Head. It has one of those songs I haven't been able to get out of my head lately.
Lets go back to the start.
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MEDEA SIN HOT MODEL
Today's HOT MODEL is
the beefcake blogger himself.
Good ol' Steve was kind enough to send this nice picture and sign. I think I've been talking to him for a couple of years at least now. He's always been supportive and we can relate to the same personality traits in many cases.
Steve is genuine, intelligent and compassionate, qualities you don't often find together in journals as often as you'd think. Plus he's got more game than the console section of Toys R' Us. (Just don't cruise for chicks there, my friend. That's what church is for.)
(Click here to become a MEDEA SIN HOT MODEL. It's free and clothing is optional.)
