Wednesday, February 12, 2003.
One of
my favorite writers/poets is back:
Jim Valvis.
Sweet
clock
(especially
since my computer
clock is always slow).
BACK IN WHITE
I've spent the past two months in the clinic. Treating head colds, vaginal molds, back pains, and wrist strains.
That relaxing slower pace of clinic ended this month. With my batteries fully recharged (or perhaps my memory dulled), I picked up my list of hospital patients with a real enthusiasm for disaster.
THE "APPLES & ORANGES" PATIENT
My first patient was an old grumpy lady with grapefruit-sized mass in her abdomen for the past two years. She ignored it of course, saying "I'll see a damn doctor when I need to see one!"
In the OR, denial is black metastatic cancer involving nearly every abdominal organ. The surgeons couldn't do much. She really didn't need to see a doctor at this point. She needed a priest.
We were wrong about one thing though. Her cancer wasn't the size of a grapefruit. It was more like a basketball (28 cm).
It was sad. She called me "honey." But then again, she called all the doctors "honey."
THE "MRS. CLEO" PATIENTME: "You're going home today!"
OLD LADY: "That's what they say everyday. I don't believe you."
ME: "But today it's true. No blood in your colostomy bag. All your counts look great. You look great!"
Hope ….
One hour later.
ME: "Uhh … the nursing home called, they didn't plan on having you coming back today after the first three cancellations. You're going tomorrow."
OLD LADY: "I knew it."
The opposite of hope.
THE SHAWSHANK REDEM-PATIENT
He had AIDS and he was pissed that he had to wait one more day in this "prison," the hospital. He didn't belong here anymore, he said.
I explained nicely how we wanted to make sure his near-lethal pneumonia didn't flare up again and KILL HIM after changing his antibiotics from I.V. to oral. Especially considering this young man had all the immunity of an Osama look-alike wearing an "I *heart* Al Queda" T-shirt at a V.F.W.* lodge night.
*(VFW = Veteran's of Foreign Wars. My dad belonged. Mom said they drank a lot.)
I know he was young and wanted to get out and live his life, but I really just wanted to say,
"Why do you have to wait another day here? Let me spell it out for you - A - I - D - S."
*finger-snap wave* Don't mess.
THE "ESCAPE FROM NEW" PATIENTI just stood by the door watching the surgeon try to extricate himself from the conversation while the little old lady in the bed would keep asking ten questions for each step he took.
They were always the same ten questions though.
It's a lot easier taking a tumor out of brain tissue than it is taking yourself out of a talkative Alzheimer's patient's room sometimes, I bet.
THE J-J-JUNKY PATIENTME: "After reviewing your history and talking with your daughter, I know why you are shaking half the time and dizzy the other half of the time."
PATIENT: "R-r-really. W-w-why?"
ME: "You are in benzodiazepine withdrawal. Valium and ativan for ten years can do that to you."
PATIENT: "Oh, I see. Can I have another shot of Ativan now?"
She's seventy.
IMPATIENT FOR LUNCHBy noon time, I felt especially academic and went to the noon conference to further my medical education (i.e. free lunch). The talk was about Alzheimer's and other dementias.
Some of it stuck with me. Like when the presenter mentioned how early stages might show up as paranoia, or thinking that people are playing tricks on you, or always stealing things from you. Sounds like my mom. She forgets a lot and tries to cover it up as well. She makes a great nanny though. At least when she isn't accusing people of stealing her camera and then returning it under the couch just to mess with her.
Also, husbands with Alzheimer's often think their elderly wives are cheating on them. Wives with Alzheimer's almost never think that way though. Interesting.
I learned a new syndrome - "Capgrass Syndrome" - the belief that someone has replaced your friend/relative with an exact duplicate.
FOREVER PATIENT
When I opened my next patient's chart, the first thing I saw was the blue discharge form. It looked a little aged and had my writing on it from when I had admitted him three months ago.
I wasn't sure if I was more surprised that he had been sitting here for three months,
Or if I was surprised he was still alive.
PATIENT ZZZMy next new patient was asleep. I tried to wake his big ass up, but he wouldn't budge. According to my notes and his mother in the room, he had been writhing and babbling furiously for the past week.
And today he was near-comatose.
Sigh. This sucks.
THE "BORN TO RIDE … A MOTORCYCLE THAT DOESN'T REQUIRE LEGS" PATIENTOther than his legs being amputated, he looked like your typical big burly biker guy. Complete with tattoos that would make even Queequeg from Moby Dick jealous (although I wouldn't suggest calling him either of those names). He had devils and spiders on his arms. A cute Native American girl on his right chest. And a skull emblazoned on the back of his … skull.
ME: "I heard you refused the ultrasound after you got down there. What happened?"
BIKER: "I saw the probe they were going to put down my throat. I was … scared."
He also had a well-drawn tattoo of Winnie The Pooh on his left chest.
SYMPATHETIC PAIN PATIENT
She had chronic neck pain. Had a million dollar work up at other hospitals. Was on tons of overlapping pain medications for years. And wanted us to fix it all.
PATIENT: "… and I'm on Ativan five times a day, with Valium in the morning and evenings if I feel like it, and Zanaflex for sleep (for what?!) along with Restoril. MSContin (morphine) five tablets a day with Vicodins in between too. The Dilaudid shots aren't really working and I have pain in my neck now …."
Me too, sister, me too.
THE OTHERSThere was also a pneumonia, an emphysema / bronchitis exacerbation, and a chronic leg infection (cellulitis) patient in there too, but you get the general message, as did I. Basically, it was,
Welcome back.
________________________________________
MEDEA SIN HOT MODEL
My Medea Sin Hot Model today is a very special one. I've gotten to know Key for almost a year and a half, long before I'd ever seen her picture, before her two journals, before she stunned X and Y chromosome bearers alike on various forums with her unquenchable and unquestionable hotness. Before her modest self gathered her own drooling online fan club.
Before her revelations of teenage wasteland, barfight showdowns, and broken-hearted psychos. Before her deep reaffirmation of her faith in God. Before I realized that despite her self-deprecating short jokes, my lil dongseng Key was essentially a selfless pillar of responsibility that held her family together through loss and tragedy.
There's never been a Corean superhero quite like her.
Just don't let the angelic face fool ya.
(Yah! Chugalae?!)
Yeah, I know what you're thinking -- I am so f***ing lucky to know her. And I am. You're also thinking I am really kissing ass here. Like you wouldn't if it was there for the kissing. Humina. (I need to set her up with one of my relatives, STAT!)
(Click on the red to find out how your fine self can be a MEDEA SIN HOT MODEL.)
