Saturday, July 20, 2002.
My little Sun Su is:
2 months old!
Baby Height: 50th-percentile
Baby Weight: 95th-percentile
(thanks to mommy's milk)
IF I HAD A NICKEL EVERY TIME I SAW A BABE AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOU,
I'D HAVE FIVE CENTS.
Typical conversation at home.
ME: "Mmwhah! So what did you do today?"
SUN SU (my 2-month old baby): "… Yah aahhh… (smile)."
ME: "That much, huh? Did you drink a lot of mommy's milk?"
SUN SU (thinks for a moment): "…ooohh hooo."
(That almost sounds like "uyu" which means "milk" in Corean. Actually most if not all baby sounds can be translated into Corean.)
ME: "Those boobies are good stuff, aren't they, little Sun Su?"
SUN SU: (watches me quietly and smiles innocently)
ME: "Oh, good answer, sweet Sun Su."
Two months old and he's already getting more action than I am.
IF BEAUTY WERE A DROP OF MILK,
THEN YOU'D BE A COW.Amy's been a 24 hour breastfeeding machine. If her breasts aren't sore, then she is tired. If she's not tired, then she must be asleep. And so on. As far as sex, we've pretty much been platonic for more months than I can remember. I'm not sure how to even approach her sexually or intimately these days it seems. I'm not bitter. Timid is more like it.
It's not the fact that she's The Mother Of Our Child. It's mostly because she's been too tired and therefore annoyed, and I've been feeling too timid and/or useless to bother. These past couple months have been the hardest thing Amy has ever had to do, she says. And since I don't have the boobies, I can only do so much.
"I'll always have to worry for the rest of my life now," she said just thinking about not being with our baby for over an hour.
So I haven't been bothering her lately.
Like I've said before, I have been wanting to taste some of her breast milk. But she was too sore in the beginning. The other day Amy finally let me get some from the source though. I was surprised. It hardly had any taste at all. It was kind of like skim milk but with lots of water added. Not what I expected.
But the experience was good. Really good. Intimate. Like how the moon moves the ocean on a warm summer night intimate. Or when the bass from a good song feels like a new heartbeat in your chest. Intimate like those pseudo-erotic scenes where one vampire shares his/her blood with another soon-to-be vampire. Nurturing and sharing. Soothing and erotic, if ever so brief.
In that way, it was everything I had expected.
The vampire analogy isn't totally out there either, in my mind at least. That craving for intimacy with Amy has been an issue of mine since we first met, I guess. Even before we met, I suppose. If intimacy is blood from the artery, then I suppose porn would be prepackaged plasma. Not quite the same but at least it keeps the dire wolves at bay.
Okay, that's kind of weird. Even for me. I think I need another transfusion.
I'M FEELING A LITTLE OFF TODAY.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO TURN ME ON?Feeling annoyed ... when people are shocked I don't have any pictures of my baby and I have to tell them for the third time that week, "I DON'T HAVE ANY REAL PICTURES. THEY'RE ALL ON MY COMPUTER." (We're getting the real camera pictures developed this weekend.)
Feeling sluggish ... because I've been too lazy to exercise lately. And even as a guy, I hate it when I am getting soft around the edges.
Feeling useless ... when I can't do anything for my baby or Amy but keep them company.
Feeling like I'm wasting my life ... because I've been too tired / uninspired / rushed to improve my drawing.
Feeling stressed ... because the days go by so fast.
Feeling wound up and frustrated ... because I've been trying to think of a story to set my drawings too, and well, making things up is a lot harder for me than just recounting events in my life. This is easy.
Feeling sorry ... for ... The LIGER! (our cat) when we have to kick him out of our bedroom because the baby is there. He always lies next to me when I'm in my room or playing video games downstairs now.
Feeling bad for ... Amy because she's hardly gotten more than three hours of sleep at a time since Sun Su was born.
Feeling guilty ... because instead of doing those other things, I end up playing video games. After a day at work, I prefer shutting down one part of my brain in favor of another. And because I shouldn't be thinking of anything other than the baby, right?
Feeling dumb ... because I haven't had time to read anything lately.
Feeling neglected.
Feeling selfish ... because of above.
YOU MUST BE A PARKING TICKET,
BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT 'FINE' WRITTEN ALL OVER YOU.Feeling useful ... now that Amy started bottle-feeding today and I got to feed lil Sun Su.
Feeling alive ... after I've been able to keep running for a few days straight.
Feeling energized ... when I've got Corean dance music blasting in the car or on my walkman.
Acting silly ... for my little boy by hypnotizing him with my version of upper body K-pop dancing moves. Sometimes it makes him stop crying too. His problems seem tiny when he sees me dancing, I guess.
Looking in awe ... at how the little line above his chin is exactly like mine.
Feeling proud ... when Amy says he's watching daddy play his video games upstairs.
Feeling happy ... when Sun Su smiles and stares at me when I talk to him.
Wondering what he's thinking ... when I'm looking into his eyes as he's looking into mine.
Wondering if he'll end up ... gay ... if his daddy continues to smother him with kisses ten times more than his mommy. I wouldn't mind though. I just want him to find someone who loves him someday. And I don't plan to stop kissing him anyways. (*I don't really think you can make someone gay, by the way.*)
Feeling snug ... when I sneak-attack hug Amy, usually from behind.
Feeling content ... when I'm holding Sun Su up to my bare chest and he looks content in the mirror.
Wondering how empty things would be ... without our little boy.
IF YOU WERE A COOKIE,
I WOULDN'T LEAVE A CRUMB.___________________________________________________________
Sweet Sun Su kisses to: the gentle and thoughtful Glenda.
