RESOLUTIONARY
"I'm not like you. I don't like to study ... for fun."
-- said to me by my lovely bride Amy.I've had difficulty updating in this journal for awhile. It's hard to believe I haven't updated since before Christmas and now it's almost The New Year.
I've been kind of down this month I guess. Prior to today, I hadn't actually drawn anything new for nearly two months. Those Fin.K.L. cartoons, the smiling Buddha girl sketch, and even this one to the right were all pencilled in October.
I was beginning to wonder if I'd ever draw again ... seriously, I was really beginning to worry. If maybe my imagination and inspiration had left me. My desire certainly had. I spent weeks staring at half-finished faces (like the one on the right) and wondering if I'd finally abandoned my personal army of imaginary femininjas. Or if they'd finally abandoned me.
Even my interest in Korean things had begun to wane to Wonder Bread Midwestern levels. Especially K-pop. It all seemed very silly and possibly embarrassing for a thirty-something (31) father-to-be to be nearly obsessed with a bunch of groups vying to be the Destiny's Child of the East (you're laughing at the nearly part aren't you?).
Plus it's been hard to keep up, time-wise, with everything. You see, whenever I have free ALONE time, there is an automatic always-present mental list of things I feel pressured to do.
The List:
1. Study Korean language, and/or something having to do with Korea.
2. Draw.
3. Go to gym.
Those three things I feel pressured to do because those are the things that will make me the person I want to be.
I think I will be happy when I can finally read and converse effortlessly in Korean. (Because that will make me feel like I belong in some real way.)
I think I will be happy when I have a physique beyond ... um, critique. (Adonis Complex? Vanity? Or the result of growing up with Batman as your replacement father figure?)
I think I will be happy when I can draw as realistically and effortlessly as I can dream. (Because you can never have too many adoring and protective imaginary femininjas when you are pathologically chronically lonely.)
I'm not even close with any of those three things, of course. But I suppose those are my personal prime directives, outside of anything work-related.
I know I should be happy with everything I have now (even though it took A LOT of unhappiness to get what I have now, most people seem to forget that part).
But in my heart, those first three things are integral parts of my happiness at this point. I worry about having to give up on any one of them especially with the changes in the future.
Anyways, because of this list of "fun" things I feel compelled to do, even my free time feels pressured. A free weekend or evening isn't "vegging out time" for me. It's a desperate chance to do some of the other things above I have to do.
Desperate, because, you know, no one lives forever.
But somehow this weekend I've gotten back into my groove again.
The weekend off was good. The latest shipment of the newest catchy K-pop songs made me happy. And the girl in my head doing cartwheels wearing a cowboy hat and swinging dual chainsaw-mounted nunchakus helped too.
I don't have any real resolutions for this upcoming year. The last several New Year's resolutions I promised myself, TO GET A GIRLFRIEND, every year from the sixth grade to senior year in high school, all failed back then and I haven't relied on resolutions since. (Although I certainly got the best girl AND friend years later, Amy of course.)
The closest thing I have to a resolution would be to keep doing what I've been doing. I'm making progress in most ways.
And honestly, it helps to mentally and emotionally get me away from work when I get home. I need that.
But I've still got a lot to do. And I'm not getting any younger, New Year's Baby.
CHRISTMAS PAST
I might as well mention Christmas here. When people ask if we celebrate Christmas, I'm always a bit surprised. Of course we do, I think. But Amy and I don't exchange gifts. Even my brother and my mom stopped doing that since we moved out of the house in high school.
Christmas to me has always meant being with family. That's it.
Sometimes going to the movie theatre. Most times going to eat at a Chinese buffet.
We skipped out on the movie this year. But my mom drove Amy and I to a new Chinese buffet.
ME (in car): "Let's go to a Korean restaurant this year."
MOM & AMY: "There aren't any Korean restaurants open on Christmas!"
ME: "How come the Chinese restaurants are always open then?"
MOM: "Because Chinese are work-aholics."
ME: "If we're going by stereotypes, then what about the old Korean man working-7-days-a-week work-aholic stereotype?"
MOM: "Hmm ... that one's not true. Not on Christmas. Korean men like to drink a lot."
When we walked into the buffet, the host, a young Chinese man, recognized my mom instantly, putting his arm around her and saying,
"I thought you were going to come around 5:30 today."
My mom loves the Chinese buffets. She likes piling on as many crab legs as she can onto her plate (like Amy). Likes trying to take-home half-eaten food from the buffet without paying (this is SO embarrassing). Likes saying too loudly how this [insert any food item] isn't good as the other Chinese buffet she went to.
It was a decent time though. Amy and I had fun watching this little Chinese boy turn around and stare at us. Amy kept making faces at him and he'd laugh and tell his mom.
When his mom went to the restroom and my mom went for more crablegs, Amy snuck up behind the little boy ninja-style and tapped him on the back of his spiky head. He seemed confused and surprised when she did that.
ME: "Why did you do that? He's going to tell his mom you HIT him now."
AMY: "No, he won't."
ME: "Oh yes, he will."
Well, he did.
It was slightly embarrassing but not as much as my mom trying to sneak crablegs and sweet rolls into her purse.
Again.
(We got my mom what she wanted most this Christmas -- a gift certificate for Home Depot. She specifically requested it. She likes working around the house.)
MY CURRENT FAVORITE K-POP GROUP (not Fin.K.L.)
This is the K-pop band called "S#arp." I love their latest album and Ji Young's hairstyle inspired the drawing in my next entry.
I made this explanatory diagram for the Korean-challenged people out there.
Have a HAPPY (and poorly-segued)
NEW YEAR'S EVE !
By the way, don't drink and drive
... or wear fake green-colored contacts while driving either
... unless you're a k-pop star I guess.
