(No pictures either.)
THE DISTANCE
I've been kind of up and down lately. It's weird. When I'm busy or around people, I feel fine. Like when I'm with people at work. Or at the gym. Or with Amy and family.
But it's the times in between these times … like a bottomless rift between these happy plateaus … when I'm by myself … I've been feeling incredibly sad. Like in my office at work. Or in the car. In my room or at my computer. Or sometimes, oddly enough, when I'm with Amy as well.
The change is fairly recent it seems. I'm not usually a people person. Actually I'm a card-carrying anti-people person. Not because I dislike people but because they take away from my time for other things. Like drawing. Or reading. Or playing. Things I am barely interested in doing, despite the sporadic moments I've focused on in my entries of late, for diversion's sake.
I listen to American songs now on the radio again, and sing along with the sad ones at the top of my lungs because it makes me feel better.
I feel inspired by the musical poetry of Jackson Brown, or Bob Seger. People I listened to as a teen because, even then, I knew there was feeling and wisdom in their words that I could learn or heal from some day.
I belt out the lyrics to atypical "crush" songs like The Tubes "She's A Beauty" or even "Centerfold" by The J. Geils Band. Songs that remind me of all that wide-eyed complete incomprehensibility of the opposite sex on my part and continuous fascination with the same.
I yell in restless angst along with Everclear or Nirvana.
I still love listening to my K-pop angels, but I'm not even close to singing aloud heart and soul yet.
Our trip to Korea won't be happening this year, and I'm actually not sad about it. I think right now I would feel even more lonely there. Plus I really wanted to be able to speak better before I go again (the language tapes are going very slowly). Amy and I are thinking of going to Koreatown somewhere one of these days though instead.
I have no good reason to feel like this. My job has been great lately. I'm not even minding the night shifts I may have to start doing eventually. At least the busy-ness will make me forget that I'm sad.
Our relationship is as good as ever. Lots of goodness that I've been hinting at lately.
I just wish we could connect better, on a deeper level. I try. I am always trying to take a step further into her psyche, her thoughts. What makes her happy and sad, laugh and cry. Even now my answers would be only superficial because even now those are the only answers I feel I've gotten for all my inquiries.
Amy is so practical minded. So task-oriented. I'm actually the
tempestuous- er, romantic one by default I guess. Although I'm a pretty calm guy on the surface. (And a mischievous Asian Tiger deep down.)We do think alike in some ways, so why am I wanting more?
It shouldn't be that hard to understand that when I hold her and hug her for as long as she allows (which is never long enough for me) that I'm doing so because I want exactly that from her as well.
I suppose it's a necessity for having a stable relationship. That opposites complement each other. Even if they don't completely understand each other.
Maybe that's where friends come into the picture. Understanding those little parts of you that a single person couldn't really understand as a whole. This girl in college told me that. Of course, she got an entire frat house mad at her for sleeping with too many guys from that frat house. Whatever.
Plus, I've kind of got this notion that you shouldn't need friends when you're married. I mean, the person you married is supposed to be the closest friend you could have. Maybe that's not always the case. This dilemma confuses me.
There's just this distance sometimes between us. A distance that I don't even think Amy is aware of, even as I'm trying to bridge this distance and reach her. Which makes it seem that much longer.
But still worth crossing.
OR
[ Or the alternate explanation would be that I'm one of those people with a gene set for my cerebrum that favors a slightly sad emotional biochemical setting as a baseline personality. Whatever. Either way, I still feel like I'm missing something .... I suddenly have an urge for a chocolate cupcake, but we don't have any of those around here either. ]
SAVED BY K-POP AGAIN
I just listened / watched that new video by techno feline Harisu. And oddly, I actually feel a little better.
Thank heaven for danceable Korean superficiality and transgender cleavage.
Okay ... I don't really expect Amy to understand THAT part about me. Because I don't either.
Goodnight.
Harisu is my new friend!
