BAD PICK-UP LINES
"You're … beautiful," I say, simply, and staring.Amy hardly reacts, barely glancing away from the TV. Then she looks at me again with a happy glint in her eyes, and lifts her shirt up.
"This is what you get for saying that," she says as she reveals her chest treasures to me. She often makes some sort of joke like that, although her usual answer is something like, "That's right!"
I want to squeeze her softness in my hands and against my body in a way that would make even a masochist on an endorphin rush squeal.
Her breasts have been swollen and sore lately though. I can only stare. One of those cruel jokes on males by Mother Nature. Just caressing them at this point would be torture - for me. (Mother Nature's other cruel joke on males is making their sexual peak hit at an age when most of us are still physically repulsive, at least I was. Then again, I don't know what I'd do if I were hitting my peak now.)
"I want to smush, and smooch, and rub myself all over you," I say in primitive frustration. I do not recommend trying this line at the bar.
Amy says that she can tell when I'm really horny; my mouth is slightly open with clenched teeth, like a wildcat about to pounce.
I sigh and lie down on the living room floor beside Amy instead, and try to think of something else to calm (or repulse) my fruitless passions.
No one ever died of blue balls, but you can lose an organ with a blue dick.
It's called "priapism," named after the Greek god, Priapus, son of Aphrodite and
Dionysus, predecessor to John Holmes and Long Duck Dong. (You can find a whole sack of phallic art in that link there if you poke around.)
I've read that an erection that lasts more than six hours can start to experience ischemia (no oxygen from lack of blood flow), although greater than twelve hours is the more proven cut-off (no pun intended - ouch).
Then there's a rare condition in which the foreskin of uncircumcised males can cut off the blood flow of the penis as well, if it stays retracted for too long (called "paraphimosis").
When I was a resident I saw a guy in the STD clinic who came in saying he had "herpes" but later admitted he came in because he bruised his dick during some crazy sex with his girlfriend. It "bent the wrong way," he said embarrassed as he showed me his bruised member. He was fine but more cautious in the future.
Then there are people who have actually broken their erect dicks. AIGOOO (a Korean expression)!!! Urology consult STAT! I don't want to know anymore about that, thank you. I've had to tell Amy more than once, "Wait WAIT! It doesn't bend that way!"
So, just as I'm trying to normalize the blood flow to all parts of my body with the medical equivalent of baseball statistics, Amy comes over and kisses me on the chest and stomach. A rare thing for her, indeed. She even starts fondling my nipples.
"Ow, watch the nips," I say. My nipples do not like to be touched. It's the physical equivalent of scratching a chalkboard to me.
"I like how you smell … like your arm deodorant," she kisses and I stretch out like a cat having it's belly petted. It seems that some couples can say the weirdest things to each other and still get turned on.
She stops at the center of my chest. Then sits up and acts like she's going to do CPR.
"Look, this is how I'd do CPR on you," she says getting into position over my ribcage.
"What the?! Wait! Don't push! My ribs might break or I could get a pneumothorax or something," I'm actually pretty nervous for a moment with Amy tottering over me smiling innocently and hands cupped in position.
I don't know what happens when you give CPR to an awake person but I know it's not fun. Even in young people, you can break ribs sometimes during chest compressions (and some assholes have actually sued over this).
Plus, I don't need an extra 15-30% of my blood volume being pumped anywhere right now, whether brain or balls.
I can just see myself in the E.R. of the hospital where I work, trying to explain to the E.R. resident,
"Yeah, my dick exploded."
Needless to say, I wasn't much in the mood after that.
[NOTE: Priapism can also occur with certain medications, in sickle cell anemia, cancer, saddle-injuries, with alcohol rarely, and COCAINE. Don't be mistreatin' the penis.]
CHECK AND MATE AND MATE AND MATE
I don't really play chess, but I like the idea of it, I guess.
I especially love seeing different motifs for chess boards. I've seen safari motifs, Star Trek motifs, modern military motifs, and a bunch of others.
I've never actually seen a wild monkey sex motif for chess pieces though. Until now.
Cool link provided by Zay, another hapa hottie who happens to be a little drunk in her last email.
