ORIENTATION
I haven't been updating lately because I've been working on this talk on alternative medicine for this Friday.I gave a similar talk 3 years ago, with drawings of course. This time I have five new drawings, including the guy above (Saw Paw Meadow, as in "Saw Palmetto").
When I told my colleague Dr. Fuzzyhead that I had TWO guy drawings for this talk (just one guy last time), his honest to God response was:
"Two guys? Have you changed your sexual orientation or something?"
Yeah, maybe. Amy and I like doing it oriented upside down these days.
And besides, even if I WAS gay, he would have NOTHING to worry about. I'd have standards.
K-RYPTONITE
Speaking of which, I've hardly gone to the gym this month or even last. I loathe myself when that happens. Soft and disgusted with myself. Ugh. I almost went today, but I realized I left my walkman in my office. Dumbass!I've tried exercising without my beloved k-pop songs. It was futile. I've clearly got a chemical dependency. I'm reduced to a catecholamine-deficient anemic slug without my personalized unintelligible lyrics and bouncy dance mix tape.
So I decided to update in all my sloth instead.
I'll go tomorrow. I promise on all that's Hyo Lee. (That's a K-pop singer's name, Hyo Lee ... like "holy." Nevermind.)
... THIS ONE TIME ... AT DOCTOR CAMP ...
I've been known to say the wrong thing occasionally.
Like in the hospital, I absent-mindedly said, "Hey! Looking good!" to this poor guy who just got his left eye sewn shut because he wasn't blinking enough (due to a stroke) and his cornea perforated.
Fortunately he was too weak and unable to speak from his stroke, so he couldn't swing at me or cuss me out.
Or the time we had this patient with diarrea who was also a gastroenterologist (and a paraplegic). During rounds, I actually said to him,
"Hey, since you're a gastroenterologist, theoretically we could consult you to take care of your own diarrhea!"
He didn't think that was funny.
And actually, if he was the GI doctor on the case, I would've fired his incontinent ass. He wanted to treat his own diarrhea with anti-motility agents before ruling out infection first (basic medstudent knowledge).
I guess he couldn't deal with the same shit he'd been doling out to his patients all these years.
THE IMMOVABLE OBJECT AND THE ROCK
My mom hasn't called me for at least two months. I can hardly believe it.
She usually calls several times a day, leaving several messages as well. When I tell her not to call so much, she apparently defines a "call" as actually talking to me on the phone and continues to leave several messages a day. I tend to pick up the phone at 72 to 96 hour intervals, if that.
Apparently, mom is really mad at something I said to her during our last conversation.
I said,
"Mom, if you and your friends come over here, I AM GOING TO F***ING CALL THE POLICE ON YOU!!"
Yeah, that's what I said before she screamed and hung up the phone on me.
The reason for the outburst had to do with this 1000-pound rock in our backyard that the builder had dug up during construction. We promised the builder he could have that stupid rock.
But when my mom saw it, she insisted we keep it. And if WE didn't want it, she would add it to her own rock garden at her house.
Now the day before, the lawn people were actually preparing to put grass in our yard, and my mom was lurking about the premises. She then tells the lawn people to move the rock into the center of our backyard. Without telling me. Did I mention this was a 1000-pound rock?
So we argued about it on the phone. I told her we promised the rock to someone else. She said she was going to bring her "friends and neighbors" over to take the rock to her house. And back and forth the argument went, like playing racquetball against a wall. My mom being the unyielding wall.
That's when I threatened to call the police. And I haven't heard from her since.
We finally called the lawn people back to move the rock out of our yard AGAIN. And I talked to my brother last week. He says mom is okay but she won't call me until I call first and apologize.
I will eventually. But really, I am enjoying the peace and quiet and the occasional telemarketer calls instead.
Being the bad son has it's advantages.
FUN WITH TELEMARKETERS
1. Download the loudest raunchiest p0rn clip you can, and pause it on your computer.
2. Wait for telemarketer to call (caller ID says "unavailable").
3. Pick up phone. Say, "Hello? Can you hold on a sec, I have to finish something first."
4. Hit play on p0rn clip and leave phone by speaker for the duration. (Works best with hour-long video clips).
5. Caveat : Make sure it isn't your overly paranoid mother calling from her new "unlisted" number in an attempt to prevent you from screening her calls.
SHAVING TIPS
FROM PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY READ THIS STUFF (from last entry)Melissa recommended Vitamin E twice a day for post-shaving itching. I wonder if I can fit this into my alternative medicine talk.
Melanie said I'm practically hairless already. (Oops. I thought no one saw THAT cam pic.)
Phil recommended shaving everyday.
Thanks for the info. The freaks come out at night, I guess :-).
