Thursday, June 14, 2001.

Hatless Baldman Index: 43 (+5, a couple double-headers in there)
Inevitability Index: 37 (no change, love conquers all).

The COMPANY doesn't want you to read me :
JEFF! You've got to tear down that firewall!! No "lingerie or swimwear" searches?!? Wtf?!

Drawing by me. Beautiful professional quality coloring and artistic interpretation by Jessi.
I was pretty amazed at the awesome job Jessi did with her.
She looks so much more real.
I'm quivering inside.
(Permission was granted of course.)

 

LOOK WHAT THE CAT-GIRL DRAGGED IN

Today I opened the fridge to find two boxes of some medicine I've never heard of (and I've heard of a lot of them).

ME : "Hey, what's this medicine doing here?"

AMY : "It's a new investigational drug. I have to bring it to Dr. Tuma's office tomorrow."

ME : "Did he tell you to put it in our fridge?"

AMY : "The pharmacist said it needed to be refrigerated."

ME : "Did he tell you to put it on top of our food too?"

AMY (tries to look innocent) : (oops).

UNIBALL

I'm looking for a patient chart at the nursing station when Dr. Cox, the urologist, says hello. Up until this point I never knew what he looked like. I just consulted him for urology problems because his name sounds like he should be a urologist. (It's not really Cox, but another penile slang term.)

He's a nice enough guy though. He has a small beard, and mustache, with drooping eyelids, like he's very relaxed or very tired. He has the look of a new young father to me.

COX : "So we took that guy's (my patient) testicle this morning. He did well."

ME : "He's hardly missing it. Anything back on path?"

COX : "It was the size of a grapefruit, but … it was very strange ..."

(... As opposed to the USUAL NOT-strange grapefruit-sized testicle, he meant ...)

COX : "It was very hard and odd, it looked like ... an eggplant, haha. When we cut it open, it was filled with gunky fluid. It sprayed everywhere, especially all over Mr. Uniball (the patient). Poor guy."

(Good thing he was sedated then. Reason Number Two I had no interest in Urology -
Getting splashed with bizarre testicular fluids. This is also why I've never gone into one of those adult movie theaters in Detroit.)

ME : "So, it was a cyst?"

COX : "Yeah, it looked benign on the prelim path. It seemed pretty solid and ugly in the OR though. Heheh, we were taking bets as to what it was. I was *sure* it was lymphoma. I lost. It was benign."

Everyone wins!

(Reason Number One I had no interest in Urology : Too many penises.)

NON-AMA-ENDORSED PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT : Like uniballer Tom Greene says, check your balls guys (or transgendered post-op girls too, I guess). They should be soft like a hard-boiled egg, and smaller than a grapefruit, and at least partially fit into your partner's mouth.

WHO LIVES BY THE SWORD

Some months I'm assigned "medicine consults" on the surgical floors. Spending most of my time seeing surgical patients and assisting with any problem that can't be solved with a steady hand and a sharp blade. Altering antibiotics, fixing renal failure, stabilizing electrolytes. Overheard this conversation between two 40-something surgeons at the nursing station:

DR. TAURUS : "Hey, did you hear about ol' Doc Ticker?"

DR. BULL : "The vascular guy? What's that bastard up to these days?"

DR. TAURUS : "Not much. He died last week. Apparently he was off on a hunting trip with his son, and he had this aching pain in his chest. He ignored it for a while at first, and then he collapsed. Turns out it was an aortic dissection, ripped from chest to kidneys"

DR. BULL : "... wow. In his fifties too."

DR. TAURUS : "Yeah, fifty-four, they couldn't get him off the table, even after they fixed it. They think he tamponaded behind the heart. Couldn't get him off the table. They had to let him go right there in the OR."

DR. BULL : "Man, that guy was always in the OR."

DR. TAURUS : " ... Yeah, just goes to show you never know when your time is up. He figured he'd always take a vacation next year or retire in his sixties. Kind of makes you reprioritize your life ...."

DR. BULL : "Yep."

*BEEP BEEP*

DR. TAURUS : "Well, take it easy. Looks like my next case in the OR is prepped and ready. Another long day ahead, aghh."

DR. BULL : "I hear ya."

I look at the clock. It's 4:07 p.m.

The "NOW YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE A MAN" File

On June 2, 2001, the Winnie Warrior said,

"At 23 and single, I shouldn't have to pay for sex."

To which I say,

"Now you know what it feels like to be a man, Winnie!" :-)

(I never actually had to pay for sex when I was 23 ... unless you consider giving up most of your remaining lifetime earnings and having to watch sappy B-movies you'd never actually rent yourself as payment. Such is marriage. I did it all for the nookie.)

 

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