Monday, December 18, 2000:
Realizing:
I'm luckier than Hugh Hefner.
Nibbling on: Someone's chocolate-dipped nibblets. Not Amy's,
she's nibbling them too.
Little Known Fact About This Site: "Sin" is a real Korean
surname.
The 2nd Bestest Gift Ever! : From Wise Old Man Paul
Karlman (5th
paragraph down).
Just do as he says.
LAST DAY OF IMMATURITY
Email from Paul Karlman :
"Hey Scott,
Happy birthday. Your birthday's tomorrow (the 19th), right?
So how does it feel to be an old man (ha ha)?"My response :
"Yeppers,
big 3 - 0 tomorrow :-)
amy's on her period so no sex,
so i guess it feels the same as when i was 20.
haha"
SPIRIT OF WHITE FANG !!
There was a major snowstorm here in Michigan last week.
"ARRGGHHGODDAMNFUCKINGMOTHERFUCKINGSNOWARRGGHHH!"
That was the sound of me spastically digging out our car tires for ninety minutes from a snowy grave in our UN-PLOWED* apartment driveway.
*(so this is where the $40 increase in rent went !)
With a dustpan.
(That’s all we had.)
It wasn’t like anybody was going to die if I didn’t make it to work … I think. I’m working with a smart resident / student team this month, and as long as ONE of them got in, then my presence was mostly supplemental, sort of.
But I do have a work ethic and a certain amount of obstinate pride. Both obtained from my hard-working stubborn-ass mom. Not just a mom, but a Taurus as well.
And besides, stores close. Hospitals don’t.
This was more than just getting to work though.
This was man vs. nature.
Captain Ahab vs. the great white whale.
That guy in The Call of the Wild vs. … uh, … The Call of the Wild.
Ernest Hemingway fighting tooth and nail against his latent homosexual impulses.
This was White Fang vs. The Cold Cruel World!! (I loved that book and that wolf! …*stares with pathetic disdain at … The LIGER!*)
Eventually my hands got cold and my head got dizzy, so I told nature to fuck itself with an icicle and I went inside to a warm cozy apartment where Amy made me hot tea and I played Mechwarrior4 for twenty minutes until the taxi arrived. (The main roads were drivable, but our driveway was a snow bank.)
Weak pitiful humans win again !!
Amy waited for the tow truck and got into work an hour after me. My response to her was, "Woman! You had the perfect excuse! You could have stayed home!" Her coworker did.
GOOD LITTLE BOYS
The cab ride cost eight bucks. He needed singles, he said. I only had a ten and six singles. The Christmas spirit got to me.
I gave him the ten and the six singles. (Not exactly a Christmas bonus but it was a 100% tip.) Gotta keep that Ghost of Christmas Future away … I’ve got enough from The Past as it is. If I get anymore, I’ll be peeing ectoplasm.
CABBIE : "Huh? Thanks but this is too much. Here, I’ll take the ten instead."
ME : "It's for you. I thought you needed the singles."CABBIE : "Thanks man, but I never overcharge. Have a good day."
Wow. Another cabbie who didn’t try to rip me off, I thought as I frantically searched for my credit card.
The hospital was only half-staffed. One resident and one student on my team tried digging themselves out, but we gave them the day off.
GREEN EGGS AND -- ARE YOU TRYING TO FUCKING KILL ME ?!!
The rest of the week consisted of holiday tides of alcoholics and druggies.
Mr. CatintheHat was a 20-year old who overdosed on PCP, exstasy (spelling? … sorry I only do the prescription stuff myself), amphetamines, and pot.
He became really paranoid and thought someone was out to kill him. He stole his friend’s car and fled to the police station. As he was explaining this to the officers, he suddenly "realized" that it was THE POLICE that were trying to kill him.
DOH!!
They brought him to us.
E for EFFORT
Mr. Science was a math / physics teacher with widespread cancer. He came in for hospice care because he correctly calculated that it was quicker than waiting for a hospice evaluation at home. As per admitting procedure, the nurse kept trying to take his blood pressure.
He said,
"Why are you checking my vitals? I WANT to die. I don’t get the point of all this."
"It’s procedure until hospice actually sees you, sir," was the only reply.
"But I just don't understand why?"
Some people just make too much sense.
NO SNOW FOR CHRISTMAS
RESIDENT: "Mr. Crawler isn't happy that we cut his I.V. morphine (even though he almost stopped breathing because of it). He wants to leave A.M.A. (Against Medical Advice)."
ME: "Give him the papers then. He won't get very far. He's 300 pounds and paraplegic. Good luck."
CRASH
On Friday, my industrious intern got driven to work in an ambulance after her car was totalled from behind with her in it. She suffered a minor concussion, and tried to stay the day before being sent home.
Doctors often treat doctors differently when they're patients. It's a strange situation. They're nicer but to the detriment of their care. No one wants to stick their finger in their friend's ass.
The ER docs kept asking her if she wanted this test or that test.
"I'm the one with the concussion and they're asking ME?" she told me today (brain intact).
The things these kids do to get out of work, I swear. :-)
MR. MANGA
Mr. Manga was a total quadriplegic. Tentacle-like catheters and tubes writhed from every possible orifice, both anatomical and man-made. I don't know which god his image was made in, but it definitely wasn't any of The Named Ones anymore.
No previous records.
The Senior Resident summed up the situation pretty well :
"I don't know why he's here or what's wrong with him ... but I know he's going to be here for a long long time."
SANTA *hic* CLAUS
By the way, I saw Santa Claus. We admitted him. He was very nice, just like on TV.
He's also an alcoholic, just like in the strip malls.
I'll prove it another time.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS
... Is a "NO CPR" tattooed across my chest.
And a day or three of no sad sick people. I'll take the nudie pics until then.
(And to think I once asked why so many medical personnel are addicted to drugs and/or sex.)
"Do you know how many little Japanese boys there are?
And ALL of them are GOOD!"
– John Goodman as Santa Claus, on Saturday Night Live awhile back.
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