I just thought this picture looked hilarious. Political Kimba the White Lion Terrorist -- Ms. A.M.Y.

Tuesday, November 14, 2000:
What Amy is doing as I type this:  Picking at my *OW!* eyebrows.
What is that "soft pillow" I'm feeling against the back of my head:  Amy's chest.  Ahhh --- *OW!*
Still Proudly Endorsed By Dr.Scott:  Stinging Willow.

ALL ABOUT AMY'S POSSE

(careful with the spelling there)

Amy's family are traditional Koreans in the sense that they stay very close as a family.  Every other week, there's a wedding, funeral (well not that often), birthday, Korean holiday, grandfather ghost spirit day, whatever.

I used to dread these frequent interruptions of my previously planned free days of playing computer games while in my underwear at home.  (This is where the doctor excuse "I'm on call that weekend" comes in handy.)

These days, I'm beginning to look forward to them though.  I don't resent the fact that all of their VCR tapes are Korean soap operas WITHOUT subtitles.  Or that no one over thirty-five speaks English whenever possible.  

Those things still annoy / bore me at times, but I try to keep it in perspective.  I mean, these people, Amy's family, have shown time and time again that they whole-heartedly accept me.  Granted, this is important for anyone, but it's a major issue with a great deal of half-Asians ... me in particular.  

Mixed races tend to associate with whatever group they look like more.  People do treat you differently depending on how you look.  If you are a half-Asian who doesn't look it, there will be some real rejection issues you'll have to deal with time and time again by the people you might feel more akin to on the inside.

My caucasian friends would sometimes say things, when their guard was down, that they definitely would not say if I had more slanty eyes.  This would make me uncomfortable and even seemed rude to my sense of self.  

On the other side of the coin, I got the funny looks the first couple times I sat in on the Asian medical students association way back.  That is, until my big friend Dean introduced me as "Scott, he's half-Korean."  Then there was always that initial look of realignment (which I do myself when I met another "mix").  I'd get the stares, the brush-offs, the so-you-want-an-asian-girl,-punk? looks from their ethnic brothers.  

So it's only natural to reject the people that reject you, even if inside, you feel a sense of longing for that piece of yourself; a sense of acceptance that only those that reject you can give.  This is the love-hate relationship that some half-Asians have with themselves  and deal with in their own ways.  Or at least how I felt a long time ago, and occasionally still.  

Maybe this explains why this journal feels that much different from the other one.  I didn't reinvent myself.  I just grew and became more honest with myself.  And the site reflects that.

Anyways, to be accepted for what you are,

by people who understand what you are (and not just ignore it),

and how you see yourself ... well, that is a gift.  

I'm sure some people reading this will be thinking to themselves, "get over it."  But to me, that's like saying "get over who you are."  It can't be done, from my point of view.  At least not yet.  

This whole topic is a little embarrassing for me.  More so than masturbation stories or intimate moments.  I couldn't have posted this two years ago.  It's much more personal, because so many people just won't get it, and it may apply to no one other than myself.  Maybe that's why it's embarrassing.  Feeling alone and psychically defenseless can be like that.  

Amy's family has acknowledged and accepted that side of me I've been longing for.  Even if they don't understand the schism of turmoil within, they know in which half my heart lies.

Got sidetracked down melodramatic psyche lane there for a bit ....

I really just wanted to show some pictures of my cousin's birthday party in this entry.  Some of the people that accept me and consider me family.  I love them all (in addition to my brother and my mom, which doesn't need mentioning but I thought I would anyways).  

Alex (left) says: Am I going to be famous now? Anastasia (right) says: Who are you?

My wonderful nieces.  The glamorous posing one on the left is four years (Alexandria), and the steadfast truth-seeker on the right is two (Anastasia).

Ahoy, note strange look from girl in corner. That's not the look of love, matey.

Cousin Kevin's birthday.  The Asian equivalent of George Constanza.  The restaurant made him wear that hat and cow, and he agreed ... too eagerly.  

Cousin Scott is thinking: Don't look at my girl like that.

It was Cousin Scott's birthday also.  No, Kevin and Scott are not Siamese twins. That's his wife, Sonya. 

That's the same hand he broke on two different bar patrons faces last year.

Brother-in-law Steve and Sister Sue.  Steve's waving his big stick around.  What else is new?

The Devil and The Saint. The side of good wins again.

Amy's brother Charlie (no, that's not a funny pseudonym!) and his sweet saintly wife Hee Chong.  If he makes it to heaven, he'll have her and only her to thank for it. 

There was another picture I wanted to show of Amy line-dancing with the rest of the "wacky" waiters to "Love Shack" all around the "wacky" restaurant ... but the picture didn't come out.  I dared her, and she was only on her second drink!  (Good thing I didn't dare her to have sex right there on the table ... or I'd have a matching set of silverware in my ass right now.)

The rest of the family isn't nearly as crazy as my Amy.  I'm glad to be part of her (careful... ) posse.

 

[end of impromptu entry]

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